I need to find myself… Met other possible person like Xian Bi… its like deja vu all over again… I hate myself, I hate my life… Wanna start all over but I cant… this fact itself sucks… Sometimes its not I don’t love God. Its just that…. I don’t wanna face him… it all seem so fake… Damn… and of all things, this must happen during my exam period… nice…

A new post… maybe its cause that there’s a blue moon recently… Well, I keep wanting to post, but I can only post of sad things… lol… Basically… My grades are improving. Hopefully I still can make it to Uni… i be officially graduated, two weeks from now. yes… my exams ends on wednesday… sigh… then it be another new chapter of my life. But yet, the past still mask the current chapter. I find myself twirling out of control again…

Oh, and one thing haven’t change, I still like her… the only thing  that’s gonna change is that i be split even further from her now. Maybe that’s better. i tried forgetting, but it ain’t easy. I want to ask her if she’s ok, due to the recent news article on Lighthouse and Pastor Rony. On the church facebook wall, there are already many hate posts. I hope she won’t be affected by it. I wanna ask what she’s going to do after poly… So many thing I wanna ask and do, but can’t. I need to forget her. I thought by not seeing her again, i will forget her… Cuz of that, I didn’t give her a birthday present last year, and when I tot i forgotten her, She goes to CHC for Christmas celebration… sigh… I can only pray that she be well…

And for my side, I hate it, I hate my past… its like two heavy chains tied on to my feet..

Though my fear may overwhelm me;

And troubles, they surround.

Though The wind rise up to take me;

My hiding place is already found. =)

~peace out~

WHAT’S UP WITH THE BAND??? AND MY LIFE?

Feel so much like giving up… i already taking things super slow, yet it did not work out… just what you want me to do sia???

Feel so lost without faith;
tired of it but still abusing my life.
How i yearn for these to stop;
admist the confusion that clouds my mind.

-Aaron

I seriously don’t know… In terms of love, money, friendship, dance, cell, church…. I have so much problem… trying to seek help, but i cant even feel the Lord nearby, how to seek his help?

I seriously dunno… but I am in a mini crisis:(

I dunno, but it seems, my past is paying a visit, old problems, which once vanished, coming back again…

Is too much of a concidence, is it because I became a Christian again??? its so goddamn creepy, and i really do wanna give up at some many times… sigh…

one word to describe whats happening…

F_ _K!!!!

This is the first time that when I fasted,  i have such an emotional battle… the past two days, i been praying and fasting that I be drawn closer to God, the battle was physical, now is emotionally… I cant take it…. I never experience this in fasting before.. not so strong at least… plus the first 2 days of fasting, i prayed for me to draw closer to God. But point is, its not working… I still so far from him… I am as close to him as Day 1 of fasting….  … I am praying for the same thing today, as well as for her result and her protection… but for what ****… seriously… She who is so faithful, will surely be blessed without me praying for her… I been doing it last time, fasting and praying together at least half the time for her, prayed for her every night. but for what ****…

GOD ain’t going to hear me… I can continue, i mean it with this fasting, but I dunno… the emotion raging inside me is drving me ****ing nuts… Francisco is right. nobody asked me to fast. Why the hell do I want to go out spread the gospel? In Christ, I was born to be a back seater, never the front. Come to think of it. Maybe that’s why there were so many problems at that time, God never answered…

He’s trying to tell me not to act smart and be more than what I can be know? I can only look back at the past and wonder… HOW? how? I mean I rarely go to church that time because my parents didn’t allow, but how did I remain so faithful? I am tired… seriously…

I was going to forget her… I came back to Christ, she appeared i my dream, re-added me on facebook, and I start going to her blog at least 2-6 times a day… How to forget like this? She suddenly become so sweet you know… the angelic angel… 4 years boy… thanks ar God…

GOD is so making a fool out of me… … I wanna break out of this fast, of the church again… I am so ****ing lost… seriously…

**** it… I am breaking this fast… She is so sweet anyway, I know I know God will bless her even without me praying or fasting for her… My prayer was never that strong anyway… that guy, said one prayer, she can feel it… feel so blessed… i pray for so long… she never felt it…

you see, it was never my prayer… when it happens, its usually the others who prayed and it happen… not mine.. This sucks… I hate it. I am breaking out of this fast….

Screw it… I want out… for real…

I so seriously cannot feel God for the past few days. Why??

but I do believe God exists… and sometimes its not a matter of what HE can do for me, but what I can do for him. I can’t feel him, I can’t feel the spirit, but I know he will answer soon… I think?

I don’t understand her, I still trying to forget her, but you know what, every time I think of her, I really thank God for creating and putting such a nice, sweet and cute person in my life, I can never be with her, the cold hard fact, but every time i think of her smile, its just that, she can light up anyone’s world with that smile you know? If I ever need a reason that God exists, its her… I mean hey, at least she’s my friend, its better than nothing…

lol… danced yesterday till battered and bruised… Zouk performance and Step It Up comp coming up… I just hope I don’t screw up and can finish the SIP and MP report. I going cut mine hair and go for cell already… till den… peace…